Thursday, May 27, 2004

Kissinger: Nixon Was Loaded

Never elect a nerd the president. They can't handle the power. Their glands overwork, they miss thier favorite Sci-Fi channel programs, and their brains overheat, like Wyatt and Gary in Wierd Science (so ably played by Anthony Michael Hall and Ian Michael Smith, thank you, thank you ... ). According to the Associated Press, Nixon, during the elaborate maneuverings and countermaneuverings of the Watergate hearings and unfolding scandals, uhm -- how does one say this delicately? -- he got plastered.

The Leader of the Free World was getting quietly "tight":

"Five days into the 1973 Arab-Israeli war, with the superpowers on the brink of confrontation, President Nixon was too drunk to discuss the crisis with the British prime minister, according to newly released transcripts of telephone calls.

"Henry Kissinger's assessment of the president's condition on the night of Oct. 11, 1973, is contained in more than 20,000 pages of transcripts of Kissinger's phone calls as the president's national security adviser and secretary of state � records whose privacy he had guarded for three decades. The National Archives released them Wednesday.

"They show the powerful adviser trying to manage world crises even as Nixon's presidency teetered from the Watergate scandal that would consume his administration in August 1974.

"In October 1973, U.S.-Soviet tensions were peaking over the Arab-Israeli war, and British Prime Minister Edward Heath's office called the White House just before 8 p.m. to ask to speak with Nixon.

"'Can we tell them no?' Kissinger asked his assistant, Brent Scowcroft, who had told him of the urgent request. 'When I talked to the president, he was loaded.'"

Deep Throat? Try Deep Liver. Ka-Pow!

And that's not all, pookie: apparently Nixon, ever playing the macho, Yorba Linda alpha male in charge of a superpower (The Corsair's averted gaze suggests feigned detatchment), according to The Washington Times, joked about nuking Washington:

"Transcripts of telephone conversations with U.S. President Richard Nixon reveal he joked about dropping an atomic bomb on Capitol Hill.

"The disclosure emerged in the transcript of a discussion in March 1974 between Al Haig, then White House chief of staff, and Henry Kissinger, then secretary of state, the Washington Post reported Thursday.

"'I was told to get the football,' Haig told Kissinger less than five months before the president's forced resignation.

"'What do you mean?' asked Kissinger, who had called Haig to express concern the president might unwittingly unleash a Middle East war with his new, get-tough policy against Israel.

"'His black nuclear bag,' replied Haig. 'He is going to drop it on the Hill.'

"The exchange is among 20,000 pages of transcripts of telephone conversations Kissinger deposited in the Library of Congress in 1976 with the stipulation they remain secret until at least five years after his death.

"Kissinger turned the transcripts over to the National Archives in February 2002 after being threatened with legal action by the National Security Archive, a nonprofit group that campaigns against government secrecy."

What the fuck? Ka-pow!

Post here or on the VH1 Best Week Ever blog

Ed Note: We are taking a well needed break from blogging and the day job for the Memorial Day weekend to recharge, see you back here, guys, same bat time, same bat channel, on Tuesday.


A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Are Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova ... married ... and pregnant? According to Ananova, via The Daily Star:

"The Daily Star reckons Anna is already pregnant following a 'secret' wedding five weeks ago.

"The couple apparently revealed they were married while walking along Miami Beach.

"A passer-by noticed Anna's huge pink diamond ring and congratulated them on their engagement.

"Enrique reportedly replied: 'That's old news. We were married five weeks ago.'

"That would have been around the time the couple were pictured in Bali on a holiday that the Daily Star now thinks was their honeymoon.

"And the paper says a friend was spotted rubbing Anna's tummy and congratulating her during a recent dinner in LA."

So, either Anna's preggers or Enrique might want to have a real personal conversation with that "friend," who amplifies on conversational points by rubbing his fiance/wife's belly.

Out: Princess Michael of Kent, according to the addictive Page Six, is so very out:

"The Pushy Princess, as she is known in Britain, had been trying to launch a career in the United States along the lines of Sarah Ferguson's successful efforts with endorsements and children's books.

"But yesterday � following her outburst at Da Silvano, where she told a talkative table-ful of African-Americans they should 'go back to the colonies' � her publicist, Dan Klores, dropped her as a client."

Bravo to Dan Klores.

In: Ambition -- but has it ever been "out"? A cynic might describe daily social existence as the clashing of the trajectories of egos in ascent. And there is no man more ambitious name among the boldfaces than Andrew Cuomo, Our Great Enemy, he who reeks of testosterone, thwarted statewide office, and the seedy mantra: "restoration of family honor ..." against the common good: The Cuomos. Fuckers, all. They never quite knew the right dance moves, if you know what I mean. Andrew just couldn't hold on to the Kennedy trophy wife, he couldn't refrain from naming her lover in the papers, he just couldn't parlay a sub-Cabinbet housing position into his dad's old job. Always the rushed energy, that kinetic frenzy, that in a better, wittier and more nimble player might result in the realization of fortuna.

There was never any good old Italian planning a la Machiavelli, with Cuomo, never a sense of pacing and slow progression -- his opera was all presto and no andante.

Mario, who sired that sloppy clan of climbers, could have run against Bush The First, he could have been a Supreme Court pick under Clinton ... but he didn't quite have the vocabulary down pat. Spin it as Hamlet on the Hudson, if you will, but, at the end of the day, we know the truth: we know Mario forgot his jockstrap at home and couldn't really play with the big dogs. Fo shizzle.

And, similarly so with his son Andrew, who smarmily cost H Carl McCall the chance at being the first African-American governor with a quixotic primary run, which weakened McCall to the point that Bill Clinton himself had to intervene, asking The Smarmy One to drop out. I fucking hate Andrew Cuomo's ambitious ass.

Page Six lets us know that the ambition still runs in Cuomo's veins, but what goes around, it appears, comes around:

"LOYALTY only goes so far in politics. Andrew Cuomo is believed to be positioning himself to run for state attorney general, assuming Eliot Spitzer decides to vacate the post to run for governor. Mark Green and Westchester Assemblyman Richard Brodsky are also said to be eyeing the AG job. But now there's another potential candidate, Charlie King, who was Cuomo's top aide at HUD and his running mate for lieutenant governor when Cuomo briefly challenged Carl McCall in the Democratic gubernatorial primary. When people ask King how he dares to run against his former boss, King cockily replies: 'The question is, will Andrew dare to run against me?'"

There is justice in the universe.

Out: The Monica Bag has been Lewinskied. According to British vogue:

"THE Monica bag may be a thing of the past. Monica Lewinsky, who launched her handbag line in September 1999, seems to have given up on it. is said to be 'hibernating while designing for next season' and is currently announcing to all users that 'no one is in customer service either', while reveals that Henri Bendel in New York, 'no longer carries that line.' On launching the bag line, the former White House intern announced to the world via her website that designing had helped her through the dark days when her affair with the then President Clinton erupted into the world's press. 'Reawakening my creative senses has helped me cope during an almost unendurable time in my life,' she said on her website. 'As I have learned from this extraordinary experience, I hope that you recognise the importance of being free spirited with your creativity.'"


In: Tom Sizemore. Tough guy. Former fiance to Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss got a dressing down from Bobby D recently, according to that significant cultural artifact, The National Enquirer:

"Tom Sizemore has a surprising guardian angel Robert De Niro.
Sizemore, the star of 'Black Hawk Down,' has been down in the dumps over recent run-ins with the law, so the veteran Oscar winner talked to him, hoping to straighten him out.

"The 39-year-old actor landed in hot water recently when he reportedly tested 'dirty' for methamphetamine use."

The Corsair grabs a bucket of salt free popcorn and sits at his screen rapt.

"The Los Angeles City Attorney's office filed a notice of probation violation against the troubled actor -- who still has to serve a minimum of 90 days for domestic abuse against his former girlfriend, infamous Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.

"Sizemore's lawyer insists his client's drug test yielded a false positive -- possibly triggered by a medicine prescribed by his physician.

"But 'Analyze That' star De Niro analyzed his pal's problems and decided to give him some advice, revealed an insider. The two met on the set of "Heat" in 1995 and have remained close.

"'Robert took Tom for a drive and gave him a stern talking to,' divulged the insider.

"'Bobby asked him to seriously consider what the heck he was doing and what ramifications his negative actions would have on his life.

"'De Niro said: Tom, what are the odds of becoming a movie star? Especially a guy like you.'

"'Tom knows he's not box office beautiful like Brad Pitt. He's got a gravelly voice and odd features. He used to wake up at 5 a.m. to take a New York subway to work -- where he'd cut melons for corporate breakfasts!

"'De Niro told him he was beyond lucky to have gotten as far as he had -- and he shouldn't throw it all away. Basically, he told Tom he was blowing it.'

"Sizemore confirmed to a reporter: 'Bobby De Niro talked to me when I was having problems. He said you're going to ruin your life, your health ... if you don't stop doing this stuff.'"

Out: Poopy Girl. Gawker covers the sad, sad tale of a girl who drank a little too much at the office party. It's a cautionary tale:

"Be prepared for one of the funniest stories you will ever hear.. [MAN'S NAME] just told me over the phone and this is completely factual because my roomate [X] was there and witnessed the whole thing..

"[WOMAN'S NAME] currently works for some advertising firm and this week they
have the whole industry attends a bunch of these big parties held by each of the major networks because they are trying to attract more sponsors, etc... Let me get this straight (these parties are huge and have tons of celebrites and
stuff) so even the newspapers cover these fiestas..

"Anyway, guess who gets so drunk, sh*ts themself and is carried out on a
stretcher from one of the Fox Networks parties in Central Park last
nite.. If you are thinking of our class representative who sends an update on what every geek from [SCHOOL'S NAME] is doing and has an enormous cranium, then you are correct. At least she is making [SCHOOL] proud.

" ... I have also been informed that everyone in the industry has been talking
about this the entire day and [WOMAN'S NAME] is as popular as Ashton Kutcher in Hollywood circles nowadays ..."

Working in the media is such a bitch, no? If she were a paralegal, we could prolly put just get beyond this and move on. Now the poor gal will most likely leave New York. Sad, but very very funny.

In: Dick Morris. Say what you will about this Francophile with a predilection to whores, he makes acute political observations. His latest column examines the recent history of fundamentalist Arab terrorist groups and how they insinuate themselves into the democratic elections in their Western enemies:

"The terrorists have always shown a proclivity for participation in the democratic process by distinctly undemocratic means. From the bomb that shattered the prospects of the favored and ruling pro-Aznar Party in Spain to the terrorist attacks on the West Bank and in Israel that doomed the Labor Party and inaugurated Benyamin Netan-yahu�s party in Israel, the terrorists are well aware of the political implications of their mayhem on democratic elections. They follow the polls and time their interventions with a skill any American political consultant would envy.

"Their capacity to disrupt elections in the United States was evident in the destruction of President Carter. Furious at the former president for sheltering the Shah of Iran, the Iranian militants seized American hostages and used their more than 400 days of captivity to make Carter appear even weaker and more vacillating that he was. Only when the Georgian was soundly defeated did they finally consent to the release of the hostages, ending the crisis along with the Carter presidency.

"Now it is evident that the terrorists in Iraq are trying to do to Bush what their Shiite
brethren did to Carter. By manipulating the pace and ferocity of their guerrilla war, they are moving the poll numbers in America more surely than the combined efforts of the Kerry campaign and his allies in the 527 community. If George Soros himself were orchestrating their timing, it could not have a more profound effect on the U.S. election campaign.

"Since the Iraqi terrorist offensive started in earnest, Bush has lost 15 points in job approval and 10 points in the head-to-head vote share. And still counting."


Out: Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy's, after The Corsair's favorite socialite, Miu Von Furstenberg gives us the scoop:

"Apparently women in New York City have something else to worry about while shopping for lingerie (other than the touchy feely lingerie sales people). Local a news broadcast stated that Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy's, had tried to resell returned undergarments. Ew ew ew. Personally I don't think that lingerie should be able to be returned at all.

"Spokeswoman Elina Kazan said Macy's does not sell worn undergarments and posts signs in changing rooms that intimate apparel should not be tried on for size on top of bare skin.

"'We train our associates to inspect the merchandise upon return and if in salable condition, return it to the sales floor,' she said. 'Any items that are soiled ... are not returned to the floor.'

"Saks did not return calls for comment."

To which, Miu concludes:

"I know where I'm not buying my lingerie from."

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Macaulay Culkin, the $17 Million Man

How cool is Macaulay Culkin? The Culc is Kool and the Gang with The Corsair, even if he did have a rather dodgy relationship with Michael Jackson. But we'll just pretend it never happened. Like make believe. Check out this interview from Rolling Stone, June 10, 2004:

"'I have all the F.U.M that you could ask for,' Macaulay says. That's 'Fuck You Money.' Culkin's bank account amounts to an estimated $17 million. So, he emphasizes, his recent return to acting has not been for cash or fame -- he has a surplus of both. He had fully intended for his retirement to be permanent, after Ric=hie Rich, in 1994, but realized that acting was fun and it came naturally to him. He likes the idea of making one good movie a year."

An indie actor who has no ambitions beyond making interesting films? How cool is Culkin? (sips his glass of Cutty Sark)This cool:

"... If somebody came to Culkin and told him they were thinking of taking their kid on auditions, would he recommend it? 'It creates a very odd dynamic if the kid starts getting paid more than you,' he says. 'In my case, it took a couple of years to get over being the family breadwinner. I was lucky. I was on the auditioning circuit for only about a year. But you see some jaded twelve year olds .."

One can only imagine ... How come Paper hasn't had this guy on the cover? And The New York Times done a Sunday Styles article on him. You heard it here folks: Mac Culkin is officially cool.
A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Richard Simmons is so very, very In. Or, should I call the curly haired darling "Milton," because, according to the court papers released, Richard Simmons' real name is Milton Simmons (I know, I'd change the name too, baby pop).

Remember, he was arrested in some dreadful fiasco involving the bitchslapping of some wrestler:

"Arrested in March for (bitch) slapping a Harley Davidson salesman/ex-con/cage wrestler at an Arizona airport, Richard Simmons is now officially in the legal clear. A misdemeanor assault charge against the diet guru, 54, was dismissed last Friday by a Phoenix judge, according to the below Municipal Court records. The dismissal came as part of a 'misdemeanor compromise' requested last week by slapee Chris Farney and signed off on by the city prosecutor. Such a compromise can include monetary compensation for the victim, but Simmons's lawyer, James Nesci, declined to say whether Farney, 23, was paid. Earlier this month, Farney told TSG he had hired a civil attorney to look out for his interests, adding that he had not decided whether to sue Simmons over the March 24 incident. We're guessing Farney opted for a little green instead of a protracted litigation that surely would have dredged up his rap sheet and the nearly three years he spent in prison for an aggravated assault conviction (a buddy was seriously injured when a drugged-up Farney crashed his car). Simmons was busted following a confrontation with Farney ... at the Sky Harbor International Airport. The trouble started when Farney (6' 1" and 255 pounds) spotted Simmons (5' 7", 155 pounds) and called out, 'Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's.' According to a Phoenix Police Department incident report, Simmons responded by walking over to Farney and announcing, 'It's not nice to make fun of people with issues.' He then slapped Farney in the kisser. The motorcycle salesman then called the cops, who popped Simmons for assault."

(Averted gaze) Alright, now: if chubby little 'Milton' sashayed over to me in his poom poom shorts, brillo pad of hair waving in the wind, with malice in his eyes, saying what he said, wouldn't you, if you were a wrestler, block the shot and rock his universe? I'm talking ka-pow, right in the noggin. Pop, lock and block, Mr. Farney; do your thing, handle your bidness, don't be fucking preposterous. And don't tie up the court system with your frivolous shizzle. Just recognize a player when you see one.

Out: Graydon Carter, at least figuratively, according to the folks at is out:

"Coast to coast, Times to Times, everyone is calling for Graydon�s head. Well, they won�t get it. But at some point, we all know one day Graydon will ride down those Cond� Nast elevators, get into his Town Car, and ride off into the sunset�or onto Sunset. And he might even get his own Oscar. But don�t fret, Cond� Nast HR�we come to your rescue with The Daily Graydon poll.

"Between today and June 15th, when you all will have recovered from your Memorial Day mimosas, Daily readers are invited to submit their Graydon replacement candidate in a brief paragraph (which, around here, means a one-liner) to On June 15, we will delight you all by publishing your entries. (Don�t worry Arthur Carter, we keep everything anon. You just can�t vote twice.)"

The Corsair would like to nominate VH1's Michael Hirschorn, one of the coolest guys in the room. Should he want to step away for a moment from his fast-moving career at Viacom TV, Michael would be perfect at VF.

Page Six's Richard Johnson and Christopher Buckley and even Harry Evans would also be my top picks.

This could easily be the next media party game. Too addictive. I see Choire is angling for Susan Sontag. Sweet.

But won't that cause some frisson between her and Annie Liebowitz, who dumped Susan for the nanny (averted gaze), and who often does cover shoots for VF? Or maybe Choire is setting up some scoops for himself.

In: Fabian Basabe, writer at Details, the magazine for -- wink, wink -- metrosexuals, and other like minded men who fancy, uhm, excessive grooming. You'll remember the well scrubbed Fabian as the dude who drrrty danced with hottie presidential daughter Barbara Bush, she of the steely intelligent gaze (a rarity in the Bush family). According to Fashionweekdaily:

"Fabian Basabe, the 'It Boy' who�s provided tons of fodder for gossip hounds, is switching teams! The 26-year-old social scenester will be writing a piece for Details magazine, the Dan Peres-helmed metrosexual bible. The story will accompany a fashion spread starring, you guessed it, Fabs! Though the new scribe was initially contacted for a profile, talks quickly heightened and his story will now accompany the multi-paged spread."

The only Details I want from Basabe is what went on with that sexy wild girl Barbara Bush at the afterparty. Ka-pow!

Out: Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang-bang, Ice T is "The Warrior." According to those Page Sixers, Ice, in addition to being a network star, is also a pimp and pornographer:

"In between Ice's edifying observations, porn stars are shown engaging in an eye-popping variety of graphic sex scenes.

"'Strippers are my favorite type of ho because they do not believe they are prostitutes,' Ice says in the (pornographic) video. 'A lot of them believe they are entertainers. Well, if you're an entertainer, you don't get off that goddamn stage. Lap-dancing is not entertaining. Lap-dancing is prostitution.'

"Ice, who last plied his pimping trade many years ago and is married now to a frequently photographed blond bombshell named Coco, also opines in the video: 'It's funny. Free [bleep] always costs you more. The wife is the ultimate ho.'

"He also calls pornography 'the ultimate, final level of the mother[bleeping] game, the pimp game,' and leaves viewers with this tantalizing truism: 'All of us are hos in one way or another, but very few will ever get the chance to truly pimp.'"

And here I thought "the smarts" was the ultimate, final level of the motherfucking game; then agin, we watched too much 80s tv (especially that "special" episode of Diffrnt Strokes where Dudley got "touched" and the Sesame Street where Mr. Hooper died).

In: The Reality TV trend continues unopposed, in

"Q: The 2004-05 fall TV season was unveiled to advertisers last week. What are the most interesting trends?

"A: Jack Myers, editor and publisher, Jack Myers Report: 'NBC and ABC, as well as The WB, are clearly taking a new approach to scheduling that more closely resembles cable than broadcast, with short-flight runs, shared time periods and heavy doses of reality fare the dominant trends for fall. Reruns are out, reality is in, and almost everyone is suddenly talking long and loud about the importance of scheduling original programming 52 weeks a year. Fox began beating this drum last year, and announced aggressive plans to program original fare on a year-round basis. Only CBS is holding firm to the traditional model of premiering new and returning series early in the season, placing little emphasis on midseason replacement shows or limited run programs. These strategic shifts raise the question about network profitability, and how the escalating cost of TV programming can be fully amortized without a repeat strategy and with declining international sales value.'"

Out: Tony Blair, George Bush's poodle; or, I prefer, keeping things Saxon, Bush's Springer Spaniel. Gag him with a fork, guys, he is done.

He tells CNN that he "absolutely agrees" with the President, glossing over the fighting of iraq war by passing on bogus intelligence through Ahmad Chalabi:

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair has told the House of Commons he is "absolutely agreed" with U.S. President George W. Bush on the transfer of sovereignty to Iraq.

"He said multinational forces would remain in Iraq by the consent of the interim government which will have ultimate strategic decision-making powers, but there was no question of coalition troops being under anything other than coalition command.

"'We are both absolutely agreed there should be full sovereignty transferred to the Iraqi people and that the multinational force should remain under American command,' Blair said when questioned about apparent discrepancies between London and Washington."

"Iranian intelligence has been manipulating the US for several years through Chalabi," said Larry Johnson, a former senior counter-terrorist official at the state department. But Blair has nothing to say on that.

Good dog, Ubu, good dog.

In: Miu Von Furstenberg, my future first wife, if she can put up with my love of Classical literature and 70s and 80s tv references (particularly the 70s show Eight is Enough), with this delicious May 19th entry:

"We had a bevy of celebrity sightings (no Justin or Cammy). Michael Eisner, (chews with his mouth open) okay he's not a celebrity but, he fucks over them. Elijah Wood who was with a bevy of young cute boys, one of which was Kevin Ricardson from the Backstreet Boys. This was a little confusing to us, since Kevin isn't one of the gay ones from the group. Tom Green who we overheard spouting off something about some E3 conference - it had something to do with videogames.

"As we were finish our dinners, we were sent over two Courvoisier's (how street) from someone at a table on the other side of the room. I, of course, had to find out who sent over the cocktails. As I was making my way over to the table, I body slammed into Peter Krause (from Six Feet Under). We both apologized profusely, and he turned very red (but looked very fuckable). I completely lost my train of thought, and headed back to our table.

"I had a hangover this morning."

We love you, Miu; we really do.

Eisner, Tyrannus

Or, Eisner Rex, with apologies to Oedipus

When last we left Our Fearless Leader, Michael Eisner, in Orlando, shares of Disney were down to $23.68. There was a plague in the House of Mouse, and Eisner was determined to find out what it was.

�In the tide of death from which there is no escaping, Death in the fruitful flowering of her soul, Death in the pastures, And pestilence, a fiery demon gripping the city� Sophocles, Oedipus Tyrannus


My children, latest born to Disney old,
When you wish upon a star, and all that jazz
Branches of olive filleted with wool?
What means this reek of incense everywhere,
And everywhere laments and litanies?
O, Mickey Mouse Club, it were not meet that I should learn
From others, and am hither come, myself,
I, Eisner, your world-renowned king.
My zeal in stockholder behalf ye cannot doubt;
Ruthless indeed were I and obdurate
If such petitioners as you I spurned.

Disney Shareholder's/ Chorus

A blight is on our nation in the war on Terror,
A blight upon the economy,
A blight on ABC in travail; and withal
Armed with his blazing torch the God of Plague
Hath swooped upon our company emptying
The house of Mouse, and the murky realm
Of Pluto is full fed with groans and tears.

I, Eisner

Ah! my poor Mickey Mouse Club, known, ah, known too well,
The quest that brings you hither and your need.
Both for the general and myself and you,
But I will not resign this plummy post.

Enter Michael Moore, fresh from visiting the narrator of Fantasia.

Michael Moore

If thou wouldst watch my documentary publicly,
I'll tell thee straight, or with thee pass within.


Speak before all; the burden that I bear
Is more for these my subjects than myself.
Tell us what the narrator of Fantasia has said.

Michael Moore

Let me report then all the god declared.
The Lion King bids us straitly extirpate
A fell pollution that infests the land,
And no more harbor an inveterate sore.

Enter Billy Bob Thornton

Billy Bob Thornton

Remember the Alamo.


I'm trying to forget.
But, what is this pestilence?
Who is to blame for the falling share prices?

Enter Jeffrey Katzenberg


We're not casting for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, you midget.


(casually) Oh, I just happened to read that the box office for Shrek has broken all manner of records.


(seething) Good for you.


Yes, Dreamworks SKG is considering going public. And we just greenlighted two sequels. Everyones doing fabulous, not like this plague-ridden Disney. What happened? Why is Disney such a disaster?


(from clenched teeth) Thats. What. I'm. Trying. To. Find. Out.

Katezenberg (exiting)

Well, when you do, let me know. We might have a Vice Presidency at the studio for you. Or something. Chow.

Eisner (alone)

What next?

Enter the Weinstein Brothers


What happened here? It looks like the rack of lamb I destroyed at dinner last night ...


The House of Mouse is plagued, and I intend to solve the riddle.

Bob Weinstein

We are looking for other corporate sponsorship, Eisner.


Or maybe we should run United Artists? We need a better contract, Eisner, no more of this cheapskate Disney mouse food. We want fuck you money.

Weinstein's Exit


(distracted) What next?

Enter Roy Disney




No, not Jesus, but his humble servant, Roy Disney.

Shareholder/ Chorus

Ah me, what countless woes are mine!
All our stock shares are in decline;
Weaponless my spirit lies.
Earth her gracious fruits denies


Roy Disney, hearer who comprehendest all,
Lore of the wise and hidden mysteries,
High things of heaven and low things of the earth,
Thou knowest, though thy tone deaf ears hear naught,
What plague infects our city; and we turn
To thee, O hearer, our one defense and shield.

Roy Disney

Thy words, O CEO, are wide of the mark, and I
For fear lest I too trip like thee...


Oh speak,
Withhold not, I adjure thee, if thou know'st,
Thy knowledge. We are all thy suppliants

puts on Mickey Mouse ears

Speak, so that I may hear the truth


(agitated) Well, it will come what will, though I be mute


Since come it must, it is thy shareholder duty to tell me.


I have no more to say; storm as thou willst,
And give the rein to all thy pent-up rage.


Oh yeah? Your dad may have made this company, but I saved it. I've surpassed your daddy's contribution to Disney. In fact, I'm changing my own name to Disney, since I am really the son he wished he had. I'm stealing your father.


Is it so? Then I charge thee to abide
By thine own proclamation; from this day
Speak not to these or me. Thou art the man,
Thou the accursed polluter of this company.

Eisner tears off Mickey Mouse ears at hearing the truth


(howling) ahhhh! I've got a migrane.

Shareholder/ Chorus

The truth? He couldn't handle the truth.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Breaking News

Madonna cancels tonight's LA Show because she has a tummy ache, so says the Defamer. Hmm, didn't Gregtheboyfriend say he was sick? It couldn't be ...

And Court Love pleads guilty to coke use (and we are shocked -- shocked!)
A Little of the Old In and Out

In: African-American chicks. Adrien Brody, it appears, has a -- how does one say it? -- Deniroesque appreciation for the dusky hued goddess. First, there was that uproarious kiss of Halle Barre, now, the sexiest skank in the world, Naomi Campbell. Apparently Brody and Campbell left together arm in arm to the casbah. I think this officially makes Naomi the female version of Tommy Lee; but that doesn't make her a bad person.

Out: I see white people. Once agin, Our favorite Upper East Side social diary shows us that, yes, indeed, Doris Duke had duskily complected "best pals." (Ed Note: We actually like David Patrick Columbia -- deeply -- and hope our healthy dose of irony is appreciated in the friendly jesting manner in which it is offered up). It's just too funny to resist. My bad.

In: According to Ananova, via Variety, the Sex and The City movie will not happen, at least not at the present:

"According to Variety, Kim, who played Samantha Jones in the series, felt she couldn't commit to the film as no script had surfaced.

"The film was due to be written and directed by Michael Patrick King.

"'She would have loved to have done the movie and made a deal to do the movie, but waited as long as possible with no script or start date and felt she had to take other offers that were presented to her after the hold period had passed,' Cattrall spokeswoman Marvet Britto said.

"'Kim would of course love to do the film and would be happy to revisit the project in the future.'

"Variety adds that other reasons could have come into play, such as Cattrall wanting script approval and to earn the same amount as Sarah Jessica Parker."

(The Corsair whistles silently, grabs a box of salt-free popcorn, then sits rapt to his screen)

"HBO was unwilling to consider replacing Cattrall, or to go through the time and effort of developing a script without her firm commitment."

Oh, it's on like Gray Poupon!

Out: Auctioning Celebrity Medical Records. I know, this sounds like some horrible apocalyptic end-of-civilized-democracy shit, but it is real, baby pop. It looks like there will not be an auction for the actual birth records of Bruce Springsteen. According to

"Days after The Smoking Gun disclosed the attempted sale of Bruce Springsteen's medical records, the Leland's auction house has turned over the confidential material to the rock star after being contacted by The Boss's lawyers. Leland's spokesman Marty Appel said that the firm was approached by the 'Springsteen camp' after TSG reported on the auction, and was asked to hand over the documents. The auction house complied, Appel said, because 'we're such great admirers of Springsteen.' We're guessing that the prospect of litigation probably also figured in the auctioneer's swift change of heart. The hospital documents (and another item carrying the singer's Social Security number) were apparently yanked from the firm's web site some time today."

In other Springsteen news, don't knock me over in a rush to Tower Records, but the Boss' wife Patty Scialfa's album goes on sale later this summer.

(The Corsair notes the sound of cicadas in the quiet spring breeze)

In: Lindsay Lohan's Scar Tissue? According to Gawker, via LiquidGeneration, Lindsay Lohan had breast implants at the tender age of 17 because she allegedly has scar tissue. You be the judge. Here. The always excellent Michael Musto writes today:

"I hear that a recent Saturday Night Live after-bash there was highlighted by the machinations of former host LINDSAY LOHAN, the greedy little vixen who's already had AARON CARTER and chased COLIN FARRELL, and he's only about 40! Lohan was caught squealing, 'Where's Jimmy? Where's JIMMY FALLON?' with a sense of determination not seen since the OLSEN TWINS first grabbed for menstrual pads. Observers feel either she's had him or she wanted to have him�and sheesh, haven't we all in our more sensible moments? Alas, Fallon wasn't there, so the big-boobed starlet got to work trying to reach him on his cell phone�again, haven't we all?�and, being both a moral citizen and a college graduate, I don't even want to know what happened next."

Lohan sounds like Paris Hilton.

Out: The Brittany Murphy Crezzy Watch. She so cray-zee. Who will go crazy first: Brittney Murphy, she of the big brown crazy eyes, or Sadie Frost, she of the angry/sad face?

I'm betting on Murphy, because according to Page Six:

"BRITTANY Murphy and top talent manager Jeff Kwatinetz have officially entered Splitsville. The Tinseltown twosome, who have been engaged for a year, called it quits after a 'bad' trip to Paris a few weeks ago. Kwatinetz is the one who called off the wedding, said our source, who claimed Kwatinetz is 'still in love' with his ex, Michelle Dupont, who's now dating Adrien Brody. To make thing even more awkward, both Murphy and Brody are represented by Kwatinetz's company, The Firm."

Wait a second ... didn't Adrien Brody just ... never mind.

Anyhoo: Crazy girl plus public breakup equals nervous breakdown. We predict Brittany Murphy should have some kind of meltdown by Labor Day. With those big crazy eyes.

In: My pal Casey is so in. Want to hear the history of a relationship New York-style? Check it out, pepper, you won't be disappointed.

Out: Keith Blanchard at Maxim. According to Adweek, Felix Dennis is looking for a new editor up at Maxim. Our guess: How about Jenna Jameson? No? Okay.

In: A Day in the life of Ludwig Heissmeyer, Assistant Designer, Carolina Herrera (didn't Solzenitzin write that?), at Fashionweekdaily:

"1:00pm: On my way back to the office I stop at Pret a Manger for lunch. I love French food. I decide on a crawfish sandwich accompanied by tomato and mozzarella and a delicious chocolate chip cookie�ok, make that two. I take it to the office where I join my lovely co-workers for a well-deserved break."

By the way, isn't Carolina Herrera the hottest older woman you've ever seen? Elegant in that jet set older woman way. And you know Gemini men like me are attracted to older, sophisticated lassies, you know, like the type who can whisper sexy phrases in your ear in seven languages.

I know, I'm such a Gemini.

Out: Michael Musto could never be out, but he may be "outing" someone at Fox:

"... As for the folks who think we're doing great in Iraq, is it possible that one�well, at least one�of the right-wing maniacs on the Fox News Channel is 'fairy and unbalanced'? The Washington Blade's KEVIN NAFF just wrote an editorial saying that on a recent visit to a New York gay bar, one of that channel's anchors got a wee bit tipsy and hit on him Lindsay Lohan-style. Naff responded by telling the sauced star that he's not single, and besides he would never date anyone in the closet. (Same here�I won't take anyone out unless he's already out.) Spies tell me the guy in question is the one who said 'blowjob' on the air and was recently linked to NICOLE KIDMAN. How poetic! Maybe gay bo�tes should start 'Closeted Only' nights, with half-price poppers bottle service."

Cookie O Puss? Fudgie the Whale? The Ghost of Tom Carvel Lives On

So little did I know when perusing The Gothamist today that a repressed childhood memory might spring up out of my already overwrought artistic consciousness, catching me unaware, leaving me gasping in terror, clutching at the very edges of sanity, contemplating its significance. The Gothamist mentioned:

"To celebrate their 70th anniversary, Carvel Ice Cream is attempting to build the world's largest ice cream pie in Union Square right now. They started at 9AM, and Gothamist hears they are giving out free pies!

"As many people who grew up in areas where there were Carvel ice cream stores, the theme song was 'Car-vel...Fresh...Ice...Cream,' (The Corsair shudders) and the most beloved ice cream cakes were Fudgie the Whale and Cookie Puss, who must the coolest ice cream cake ever. As legend has it, Cookie Puss was a St. Patrick's Day cake ('Cookie O'Puss'). The Beastie Boys even wrote a song called Cookie Puss. And, as one commenter points out, Tom Carvel invented soft-serve ice cream AND did the voice-overs for the Carvel commericals."

Okay, you say, what is this overblown drama about sundry processed milk products? Is The Corsair lactose intolerant? Why doesn't he eat his fear? Hardly.

Tom Carvel freaked the fucking hell out of me when I was a kid. I've never told anyone about this, so, here goes ...

Every time those low rent commercials came on, usually on the local channels, with that sepulchral, asthmatic-wheezy voice of Tom Carvel, one foot in the grave, issuing forth emphazematic pleas for me to buy a fucking "Fudgie the Whale," or a goddamned "Cookie O' Puss," concoction, I .. I .. it ... it gives me the fucking willies, is what it does. I just freaked out, man, I couldn't handle it. (shivers)

There was something distinctly trailer-trash-creepy about Carvel, as if Dairy Queen would be a step up. One might imagine that Crystal Meth might go over well with a Cookie O Puss, no?

Whenever I passed by a Carvel as a child, I saw Archie and Edith Bunker mingling with reckless youth with no shirts on smoking Marlboro's with their free hand, feeling up their loose girlfriends with the other. All in a night of fun at Carvel (thems good eats).

I've tried to make this blog a refutation of that haphazard lifestyle, that ... David Lynchian Carvelness. I call it Americana Horror.

And what about that squidlike voice-that-could-break-glass: Cookie O' Puss? Was that supposed to be cute? Were we supposed to want to eat something with that voice, and that flawed in it's basic industrial design?

I, for one, will be far, far away from Union Square. Thank you Gothamist, for helping me relive that ghastly childhood horror.

William Hung Faces Death Threats

According to that significant cultural artifact, and you know of which I speak, namely, true believer, The National Enquirer, William Hung is facing death threats:

"SHE BANGS? He hopes not! 'American Idol' reject William Hung has been hit with death threats, sources have told The ENQUIRER. The 21-year-old Asian-American singer -- who mangles hits by Ricky Martin, Elton John and others -- is so scared, he refuses to croon at nightclubs, say sources.

But Hung is not so hung up that he refuses to play arenas or stadiums where he is far from the crowd.


"'William says he's frightened to death of playing small venues, like nightclubs,' divulged a music industry insider."

The Corsair knows he shouldn't laugh, but, well ...

"After his private telephone number somehow got out on the Internet, threats started pouring in from crackpots. 'He recently turned down more than $250,000 for 30 personal appearances at different nightclubs around the country.'

"Hung told the promoter who offered him the deal that he's taking the threats very seriously and said, 'I guess some people out there don't like me.' "

Fortunately, the University of California Berkeley engineering student feels comfortable regaling large audiences with his rendition of 'She Bangs' and other unique stylings."

Other unique stylings?

Best of Corsair: The Democratic Party Veepstakes, Next Secretary of State

Ever since NBC News Chief Foreign Affairs Correspondent Andrea Mitchell, a graduate student in power, the wife of Fed Reserve Chief Allan Greenspan, suggested that Hillary Clinton wants the veep slot, it has been hers to lose.

The problem with Hillary, and there are quite a few, is that she doesn't bring much to the ticket and she polarizes her opposition like no one in the world. Of course, she is also a geniune celebrity beloved like a goddess among African-American, Latino and Asian women. But Kerry already does well with women; he married a tough one, and that attracts the ladies -- a man unaffraid of a strong woman -- like nothing in this world.

Kerry will win New York. Kerry will win the Northeast (although New Jersey, surprisingly, is looking like it is in play, thanks to the charismatically challenged Governor, McGreevey). In a sense, Hillary would have been much more useful to the ticket had she run for the Senate seat in Arkansas, where a Southern base would mark her head and shoulders above the sunny and optimistic bright Senator John Edwards, which, quite frankly, she is not. The problem with Hillary is that she was too tepid, she didn't run; Edwards did -- and thus, among many, he should get the nod, it's his turn; Edwards took the risk.

Hillary Odds: 50-50

John Edwards: Neck and neck with Hill. Pro: Electoral College votes. A bombshell convention speech in Prime time to show off his looks. A player in the party to come. 50-50 Plus, appropos of nothing, Edwards is a Gemeni, and a Gemeni along with a Sagittarius Kerry, would be spectacular (okay, now you can discount all my other analysis because I mentioned astrology)

Max Cleland. The Corsair believes that he is the likely choice for a running mate. Pros: From Georgia, brings the South back into the mix ... former Senator ... triple amutee war hero would make a strong veterans campaign with Kerry -- and Vets are liely Republican voters ... expert on Homeland Security (big plus, as national security is a Republican stronghold) which Bill Clinton in a closed door meeting warned that the nominee must be strong on ... strong on health care ... could humiliate chicken hawk Cheney in a debate
Cons: Health might be an issue. (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: it's a fucking long ass sojourn through the country for a Veep, from Labor Day till the election -- can Cleland do it? I think so. Odds on favorite)

Gary Hart Pros: Vast intellect, PhD, Oxford, Political Philosophy ... wise from his time out in the political wilderness ... Strong in the Southwest ... devastating debator Cons: Old adultery charge may still stick in the Bible Belt ... may be more useful to the Democratic Party in a Senate bid against the very weak Ben Knighthorse Campbell (note: Campbell will not seek relection) ... Possible Secretary of State, a la his hero, Jefferson (ed note: Feb 14, 2004)

Bill Richardson Pros: Governor of ultra-crucial New Mexico ... Latino ... former UN Ambassador and seasoned diplomat would give international cooperation credit points to ticket
Cons: None. (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: hot like salsa)

Wesley Clark Pros: Longshot, but if he wins big in Oklahoma and the conservative Southwest he could be in the cut ... General would give strong military backing to ticket ... would humiliate chickenhawk Cheney in a debate ... strong with African-Americans
Cons: Too closely tied to Bill Clinton, who wants Hillary '08, which may be an issue. (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: Wes is bitter as the Clintonistas dumped his ass as soon as he started looking like yesterday's donuts. Could be Sec of Defense in a Kerry White House. An effective military attack dog. Will work well with a Cleland Veep)

Dick Gephardt Pros: Outside of Cleland and Edwards, the most likely running mate ... most popular pol in pivotal swing state Missouri ... would be perfect for a Kerry-Gephardt Northern labor-veterans strategy against a Bush South ... comes with the backing of labor, a Democratic must needs ... a truly good guy who dropped out and endorsed Kerry early: he did the right thing
Cons: Wooden on the stump, charismatically challenged (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: this ticket may be too damn Northern top heavy. Could be the greatest and most powerful Sec of Labor in US history in a Kerry White House)

Evan Bayh Pros: Young up and comer, popular moderate Democrat from a Republican state ... would look good stumping with Kerry ... strong political family ... Would play well in Bush states ... hugely ambitious for national office, a quick study
Cons: A long shot ... may not even be able to deliver Indiana, his home state, against Bush (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: not bloody likely, but it would harken to the Tom Sawyer-Huck Finnish days of Clinton-Gore '92)

Bob Graham Pros: Most Aggressively Campaigning for this position ... got out early ... most popular elected official in CRUCIAL Florida ... Senate Intelligence Committee Cons: Bad ticker ... charisma challenged. (ed note: Feb 14, 2004: The Corsair believes that Graham, who lusts after this position so badly that our computer screen is blurred, prolly had a deal with the Dean peeps, so he may be radioactive to Kerry; then again loyalty, in politics, is mobile, like la donna)


Florida Senator Bill Nelson is as exciting as a glass of tea.

Indiana Senator Evan Bayh's name, which has been aggressively floated for the past week, will NEVER be the nominee. Evan Bayh cannot even deliver Indiana to the Democrats, the Hoosier state is Republican for life. He is too conservative and he knows it. Ae has to be. He is a Democrat in Indiana, which is as rare as Paris Hilton rejecting a sexual offer or Courtney Love declining some "h". But it serves a Machiavellian purpose: floating Evan Bayh's name is like a shot of steroids, it raises his name recognition, like free campaign commercials, it strengthens his hold on a tenuous position, namely, being a Democrat in Indiana.

The Next Secretary of State


Walter Isaacson: It may not yet be his time. Wise, Aspen leader. N'Orleans Democrat with Founding Father best seller and media-philosophy cred. 85-1

Zbigniew Brzezinski: This man's name is more complicated than mine -- and that's a feat. He is auditioning hard with his new tome, which took a bit of an ass whipping in the New York Review of Books.
He is unbelieveably brash for a man who armed the Mujahadein. A little too inside for Kerry to get away with appointing, then again, Jimmy Carter broke everyone's heart when he campaigned as a peanut farming outsider, then appointed the ultimate Trilateralist insider Cyrus Vance to State. 65-1

Richard Holbrooke: No one wants State more than Ambassador Holbrooke. And, while we are on the subject, since when do UN Ambassadors go out with Diane Sawyer? Huh, Dick? Impressive resume. Holbrooke is a master operator and a player who cultivates the air of inevitability that he will ultimately be the Secretary of State of the US, the world's last standing superpower, astride the globe like a mighty colossus. 50-50

Jamie Rubin: It may not be his time yet. He is too young, the John Edwards of the foreign policy elite set. Madeline Albright's pretty toy boy. A lock as possible UN Ambassador under Kerry. Hedged his bets on Wesley Clarke, and lost. Side note: His wife, Christiane Amanpour, may be the most important television journalist, and he himself is on the fast track to UN Ambassador, State, and, possibly, UN Secretary General. This is the glamour couple for the next age: The Age of International Law. 95-1

Gary Hart: This is my favorite choice, because now that Daniel Patrick Moynihan has passed on, no one is wiser or more intelligent on such a wide variety of subjects than Hart. And he gets along well with Kerry. Affairs will not matter at State, although you can be sure convoluted arguments will come from the Bible Belt ("hey, his past infidelities could be used as against you by a foreign spy.") 50-50


Now this here is the only game in town. Three major figures want this post:

Newt Gingrich: A favorite of the Hawkish conservatives. So ambitious that he attacked Colin Powell in the neocon rags. While still sitting at State. Oh, it was on like Gray Poupon! An enemy of George Bush the Elder, which may hurt his chances of advancing in the Bush dynasty. Poppy still has juice. 50-50

James Baker: You don't get any oilier than James E. Baker, who allegedly called Arabs, "sand ni**ers at a cabinet meeting." Baker is the dirtiest player in the game. Reeks of thwarted ambition. Why was George Bush, that punk President and he -- he, the mastermind -- secretary of state?! And only for part of the term at that! An unfinished Secretary of State stewardship, helping your Poppy's reelection: come on Dubya, you owe me. 50-50

Paul Bremer: A Bush favorite. Close with the Dynasty. His fortunes within the dynasty depend entirely upon the Iraqi power handoff, and whether he scores, or drops the ball. Slim chance. Al Graib probably ruined his chances.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Soprano Chat: Adriana Gets Whacked

I won't say I told you so, but despite rumors to the contrary, Drea de Matteo's long suffering character, the misunderstood Adriana La Cerva, got whacked -- sadly -- on last week's installment of the hit HBO Sunday night drama The Soprano's, clearing the way for her to play Matt LeBlanc's uptight sister, Gina, in the NBC sit com Joey.

As Adam Brickman wrote in the New York Post back in March:

"HBO would not comment on Adriana's status on 'The Sopranos,' citing its long-standing policy against revealing future plot developments.

"Sources insist that De Matteo's work on 'Joey' will not conflict with 'The Sopranos,' which is filmed at various locations in New York and New Jersey. 'She is contracted for a sixth season' of 'The Sopranos,' an HBO source said."

Riiight. How will the vulnerable Chris-tuh-fuh take it? Even though, as the cold blooded Sylvio muttered ominously, "... he's a resilient guy," (shouldn't that have been the tip off, Ade?) we know, in our heart of snarky hearts, that he "really loved her." Almost as much as the "h" he sniffed before T but a boot in his complacent ass, as they all veer closer to all out War.

So, who gets whacked next?

Comment here or on VH1's Best Blog Ever

A Little of the Old In and Out

In: Bloggers. Daniel Radosh writes in this week's New Yorker: "Two years from now�give or take�Elizabeth Spiers, the founding editor of the gossip Web sites Gawker and The Kicker, will publish her first novel. Around the same time, Glenn Reynolds, who writes the political Web log Instapundit, will also have a book in stores. So, too, may writers from the blogs Hit and Run, The Black Table, Dong Resin, Zulkey, Low Culture, Lindsayism, Megnut, Maud Newton, MemeFirst, Old Hag, PressThink, I Keep a Diary, Buzz Machine, Engadget, and Eurotrash. Suddenly, books by bloggers will be a trend, a cultural phenomenon. You will probably read about it in the Sunday Times. And when that happens the person to thank�or blame�will be Kate Lee, who is currently a twenty-seven-year-old assistant at International Creative Management."

To this, Gawker writes, "Anyway, guess we'll find out when Kate sells her first book. Ah, the hype before the storm.

"Wait -- doesn't anyone want to see my book proposal? Hello?"

I'll cosign on that Choire, my little soupbones. What about The Corsair's novel deal, Kate darling (in best growly 'what's new pussycat' Warren Beatty voice)? Hello?

Out: Marriage, for the Catwoman; nine lives, yes, nine marriages, JHo; nein. Halle Berry said she will never get married again, according to Ananova, via The Oprah Winfrey Show:

"Halle Berry says she will never get married again after discovering that her second husband Eric Benet was cheating on her.

"She admits in a TV interview with Oprah Winfrey to air in the US tomorrow that stories last year that Benet was having an affair were true.

"Berry, who filed for divorce from Benet earlier this year tells Winfrey: 'It's probably the first time the tabloids got my life right!'

"She also said that her latest role as Catwoman, in which she wears a leather catsuit, helped her take control of her life.

"... I'll never get married again, and I always hate to say never to anything, but I will never marry again."

Pass the gospel on to serial bride JLo, sister. BTW: No, that's not a massive tumor on Halle's head, that's a mask.

In: Adam Moss' vibrant, new New York Magazine takes a long, hard look at past SNL stars who exited the show with the highest of hopes and the lowest grade piece-of-ass scripts (listen up, Mr. Fallon, school is in session, the teacher is professor Logan Hill), "Once the most precocious SNL alum, Eddie Murphy plummeted from the heights of Beverly Hills Cop. After lampooning Mr. Rogers and playing blue in Raw, he got caught with a pre-op transsexual prostitute named Shalimar in 1997, but recovered at the box office by churning out enough parent-approved pap (Daddy Day Care and the upcoming Daddy Day Camp) to shrug off his flop Pluto Nash."

Ah, suki-suki. Who added the dash of Wasabi to NY Mag? Adam Moss did, that's who.

Out: $500 on steaks and $4,000 on wine. According to Page Six, "EVANDER Holyfield at Nello's washing down two kobe steaks ($250 apiece) with a $4,000 bottle of Screaming Eagle wine to celebrate his deal with Don King to fight Vitali Klitschko this summer."

What about the goddamned pomme frites! You can beat a man to death and still eat like a monarch. Only in America.

In: Everyone on K Street is asking: Can The President present a unified Party and a unified vision? reports:

"President Bush will visit with congressional Republicans today in the Capitol amid growing levels of tension between the White House and GOP leaders.

"House and Senate leaders invited the president, who has big-ticket legislative items pending, to address members, something he has not done in the Capitol since last May.

"The meeting will take place in the basement of the Capitol, and Bush is expected to take questions."

The Republicans are grumbling, eating their own, the moderates are growing restless, the anti-immigration hordes are upset.

Can Dubya shore up the party, especially after his fall in the polls and his symbolic fall from his bike?

Out: JLo in Russia. Moscow snow drifting off her high water booty: priceless. According to British Vogue:

"JENNIFER LOPEZ has chosen Moscow as a venue for her first shop launch. The singer, actress and fashion designer is expected to attend a party to launch the shop, which will stand alongside the likes of Calvin Klein and Ungaro in the Crocus City Mall, on May 31. Aimed at the city's richest 12 to 15-year-olds, the boutique is an attempt to create an 'interactive shopping experience', with plasma screens showing off Lopez's image constantly, huge sofas and music booths playing her records. 'There will be a swing chair and girls are expected to come with their friends to have a good time,' Tatyana Stoliarskaya, a spokeswoman for the mall, told The Hindu. The 300 sq metre shop will sell clothes, jeans, belts jewellery, sunglasses and a new line of lingerie that will debut during the opening fashion show. 'Moscow for Jennifer represents the ultimate in beauty, luxury and culture,' according to press release about the store."


In: Curbed, the snarky real estate blog, brought to you by the my man Lockhart Steele, who'se got it on lockdown. It's so choice, I highly recommend it:

"Newly up for grabs: the Tribeca loft purchased by Sean Combs for $3.65 million. He never moved in, which justifies a $650k price jump."

Out: Clay Aiken, fast living, beer drinking womanizer. Right (link via Stereogum via Lauraslashtemp).

In: P Diddy: The Fragrance. JLo's opening a joint in Russia, and The Diddy's making scents, according to the AP:

"Sean Combs seems to have teamed up musically with everyone, from Notorious B.I.G. and Usher to Sting and Dave Navarro. But his next collaboration, through his fashion designer persona, is with Estee Lauder: The cosmetics company is planning to create and market a new line of fragrances under the rapper's Sean John name.

"'People express themselves in many ways � through their music, through the way they dress, and also through the fragrance they choose, so deciding to make a fragrance was very natural for me,' Combs said Thursday."

The scent is said to contain oil of Glock. Kidding.

Out: Kerry's convention plan -- floated convention plan -- sucks. William Safire, however, has a brilliant idea: set up the Dem Convention, next time around, at the same time as the Republican, allow competition to flourish.

Networks hate conventions. They could sell ad space on almost any show better than a convention. But with the two parties competing, you double the ante.

Harry Potter and the Chattering Class

Allow me to amend an months old blog and update it for the new readers (AKA people who wouldn't give me the time of day when my blog was puke green and electric blue):

Far be it from me, a lowly blogger, a peddler of the snark, to impede the progress of all the primping and preening that goes on among the chattering classes. I mean, they do deserve their time to waddle in the sun being as they explain reality to the rest of the world daily, via their nesting centers in NY, DC and LA, and occasionally Davos and The Charlie Rose Show and, sometimes, the cover of Vanity Fair (unless, of course, you are African-American)

Sometimes the chattering class appear to be unruly students at J K Rowlings' mythical Hogwarts, struggling in childlike wonder with The Big Questions of Our Day in
ermine robes of state (The New Yorker is especially good at this). Imagine, if you will, Eisner or, say, Michael Powell, as Voldemortian forces lying in wait in support of media consolidation! Not too much of a wizarding stretch, I hope.

And so, I present, as it were, on the fly, a virtual Hogwartsesque yearbook, in tandem with the latest Harry Potter release (the school song a martial, Murdochian anthem, possibly in Mandarin Chinese?), without the pictures:

For your pleasure, Rupert Murdoch HS, Class of 2004 (stands at attention, hums anthem solemnly):

roll credits

Who's Who:

Barry Diller, Headmaster, Dumbledoresque mogul standing athwart media consolidation

Don Imus ... shifty-eyed leathery janitorial-type (think of the creepy Carl the Janitor in The Breakfast Club) ... Slytherin ... Affrimative Action for leathery geeks past their expiration date

Felix Dennis, (rolls eyes; extended averted gaze) Sex ed, to be sure ... like most rich eccentric Brits, aspires to be a cigarette-smoking artist (poet); a Byron ... some of his lines: "As jealousy anticipates revenge/
So envy swamps compassion in its wake; Thus petty men seek insults to avenge/ And reaching for a ladder grasp a snake" ... the snake reference is obvious, but ... what-the-fuck?! ... so, Mr. Beer and Bikini wants to throw down poesis? ... Pussy-boy

Harvey Weinstein, Lucky Mascot, who portrays a rat named Eisner ... Although Big Harv fills out the mascot costume well, his feet are dainty: he cannot fill Michael's shoes... tough guy... hangs with Pat Buchanan, Steve Brill and the Dead Rabbits, the school gang ... aggressive bad taste (the anti-Kurt Andersen), which becomes evident when he slices and dices a true auteur's bacon ... Thanks for giving us Benigni, ass ... soon to become rich off of serendipity, and Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911 ... Fortune smiles on the Weinsteins ... A/V Club ... Slytherinesque

Jim Romenesko, Head, Gryffindor House ... dry wit ... Best Personality ... creator of the most significant media blog ... humor, letters, memorials and breaking news for us navel-gazers

Bonnie Fuller, The Dark Arts ... "I was the girl in the front row of class with my hand held very high. And I wore glasses." ... Thanks for sharing ... Will shadenfreude turn against Bonnie? ... well known for giving her students inordinate, no, Gargantuan amounts of homework ... burning bridges, making benjamins ... gossip zeitgeist 101 ... doesn't play well with Jann

Walter Isaacson, Diplomatic History ... serious man with the weight of history on his shoulders ... casts a cold eye towards the purple twilight emanating from Washington and sees, with gemlike clarity, the crisis of the West ... Time Inc and Old Man Luce's old job aint what it used to be ... waiting for something better to come along ... future Secretary of State? ... N'Orleans ... coiled potential energy ... founder, Model UN ... a good man and hard worker ... Hufflepuff

Harry Evans, American History, Department Chair .. Oh, Mr. Magoo, you did it again! ... a bit distant ... house husband ... Tina Brown is his A student, Al Gore to his Marty Peretz ... writes elaborate coffee table books that no one really reads ... well liked in the media ... hosts "events" for out-in-the-wilderness weekly called ... The Week (which wifey Tina plugs on her very own Topic A).

Roger Ebert, Cinema, Chair ...Most European Midwesterner ever ... argumentative in a grandfatherly way ... simplistic thumbs up technique of cinema criticism ... will give at least one crappy studio picture the thumbs up per show, just so that Hollywood doesn't lock him out altogether and also to show that he has a sense of humor about poo... would rather be watching Resnais ... what was he thinking in going with that egocentric Frat Boy, Roeper for TA?

Arianna Huffington, Women in History and Art ... Absolutely brilliant and rhetorically stunning ... Our Livia Frighteningly ambitious ... Darkly beautiful in her wraith ... Then: rival for Sally Quinn's social position as doyenne of DC; Now: so Unelected Mayor of Hollywood ... Ravenclaw

Sidney Blumenthal ... How to brownnose your way from "objective" observer to Presidential aide ... more popular in Europe, while his rival, Christopher Hitchens is, ironically, more popular in America ... as smart as he is well dressed ... Ravenclaw ... Great haircut.

Donald Trump, Milton Friedman Chair, Economics ... "you're fired" ... odd implausible orangey hair ... likes Eastern European women ... "there is no such thing as a free lunch" ... short fingered vulgarian ... purchased a modeling agency and a beauty pagent ... insatiable publicity hound ... louche: there is no other way to describe this man: turned Mar a Lago, an historic and palatial home, a masterpiece, into a pay-per-play resort (cafe society debutantes and Town and Country subscribers faint on cue) ... plasters his Hancockian signature on every monstrosity he erects... a gassbag ... a strong argument against democratic capitalism ... so Slytherin it hurts

Steve Irwin, Care of Magical Creatures ... Mulleted ; a grown man who wears short pants .. for he so loved the aligators that he was prepared to give his child ... your typical yabbo

Greta Von Susteren, Defense Against the Dark Arts ... don't let the flawless legalese fool you, this former lawyer, Gret, is also a former Swedish Foreign Exchange Student ... "is -- ya-ya?" ... can't give her books away, God bless her ...bolted sinking AOHell for the sly FOX ... the latest lawyer turned journo to get some "face" ... and speaking of face, don't even get me started on her eyes

Sue Simmons, Potions ... longtime anchor of evening news cast ... does not play well with others ... no, don't ask me why I included Sue here, I can't figure it out either ... flubs cue cards regularly.

Maureen Dowd, Transfiguration ... sexy, hip bohemian aunt type ... apparently she dated Michael Douglas ... regularly vivisects the Bush Administration

Ted Turner ... fired his own son ... Jane Fonda tried to hook him up with subservient Republican Bo Derek

Larry David, Hufflepuff ... hard worker ... peeves easily ... the postmodern Charlie Brown

Dick Parsons, Juggling ... gee, thanks for transferring the CEO job to me right here, right now, Gerry

Coach Regis Philbin, Football ... wanna be tough guy circa 1950 cred was shot when "Coach Reege" took off his shirt in protest of a referees decision and revealed unseemly "man teats" ... likes to play career-enhancing sugar daddy to younger girls ... Brylcream man ... essentially, harmless ... looks like the type of man who wears (makes bracket marks in the air) "old man" garters

Martin Peretz, Civics Chair ... Does not call on African American Students ... Secretly compares every student to his star pupil, Al Gore '00 ... out of power and melancholy about it ... oh, so godamm Slytherin



David Remnick, Senior ... Hufflepuff ... lends intellectual glamour to the Conde Nast set

Fareed Zakaria, Senior ... dreams dark and reptilian dreams of becoming Secretary of State ... Junior Kissinger-Metternich Appreciation Society, founder and sole member ... regards the post at State as, "my preciousss" ... oh, just so ya know: Slytherin .... Why Bismark Matters 101 ... weeps openly at Wagner's Der Ring Des Niebelungenlied when Wotan steals the ring of power ("it's so true!").

Christopher Hitchens, Senior ... formidable debater ... a good man ... The Corsair's first media mentor ... does not play well with Sidney Blumenthal ... pugnacious, honest ... Next Move: MSNBC Show?

Kurt Andersen, Senior. Most Likely to Succed ... National Honor Society ... Architecture Club ... Ham Radio ... Editor, ... dry as a martini ... Elder Brother of New York Media ... sharp eye ... highbrow aesthetics ... Next move: PBS documentary on the Media

Bill Kristol, Senior ... Most Intellectual boy ... however, misreads Plato; CW: Neocons down, Realists up! ... didn't mesh well with Cokie and Sam ... hijacked US Foreign policy with his pen ... Most Likely to Misuse Power ... Senior Officer ... Next Move: Senior Foreign Policy Advisor

Christiane Amanpour and Jamie Rubin ... The Investigators ... National Honor Society ... Power Couple ... Best All Around ... Madeline always liked him best ... She does a heck of a lot of reporting on blood, mutilation and body fluids ... is he a future Secretary of State? Over Isaacson's dead body ... she: Orianna Falaci; he" Thomas Jefferson ... so International Chic that it hurts

Maria Bartiromo, Senior ... flirts with Francis Ford Copolla (Francis said that for her he had a part, but The Corsair believes he just wants a piece)... Big waifish eyes known to make grown men turn to calamari estofado ... call me, Maria? ... (The Corsair goes back to wistfully nursing a double shot of Cutty Sark)

Michael Hirschorn, Senior . Best Personality ... Editor ... Most Friendly ... Full of Most Smiles ... Turned the boring campus tv station into "must see" tv ... Everybody's Favorite Cousin ... Next Move: Heading up mini prestige studio, the next Miramax

David Letterman, Senior ... Number two to Leno ... Midwestern Existential Americana: observe carefully Kierkegaard's Concept of Dread play itself out on network television in real time ... mellowing out; growing up ... accepting of himself ... Varsity Football ... Wittiest ... in the reddish-bronze twilight of his career ... passes the torch and becomes a happy family man (a ream of the red states as opposed to a dream of the red mansion)

Eric Alterman, Senior ... Not handsome ... looks to be in a perpetual state of constipation ... the official face of the left (The Corsair slowly, disgustedly claps hands sarcastically, like Bender in the Breakfast Club upon seeing Molly Ringwald apply lipstick with her breasts) ... Worst Personality ... National Honor Society ... phony liberal: rails against aristocratic hierarchy, yet covets swishy party invites to media events ... dick ... Wenner school of liberalism

Andre Leon Talley, Senior ... deceptively intelligent despite position of distinction among the Conde Nast crowd, who favor, uhm, lightness of being ... Mitigating factor: Diana Vreeland watched Soul Train with him; how cool is that? ... next move James Truman's anyone?

Katrina Van Den Heuvel, Gryfindor, Senior ... pretty and brainy student of Russian poetry, history and philosophy ... Most Courteous ... waifish, idealistic and striving for the good... Best All Around ... lone voice among angry commentators ... often in over her head ... a good and honest woman ... next move: Ambassador to Russia?

Les Moonves, Senior, Slitherin ... Mr. Julie Chen ... a wanna be big screen thespian with a face made for for back office politics

Richard Johnson, Senior ... The epitome of cool ... arbiter elegentiae, baby ... Our Petronius, and we wouldn't have it any other way

Michael Wolff, Senior. National Honor Society ... Young Enterpeneurs ... Goes where the action is ... sharp social observer ... can be abrasive ... not afraid to mix it up in the business world, which is rare among writers ... doesn't play well with Tina ... Vanity Fair bound

Anna Wintour, Senior Too Cool For School ... Winter Sports Queen ... Fashion plate ... Joined at the hip with Andre Leon Talley ... Chair, Remove the Popcorn Machines From the Cafeteria Drive ... resolved: food should have no smell ... "I need these minks killed in the most horrid way imaginable ... it adds to the lustre of the coat" ... called Cruella de Ville behind her back... cranky cause she's hungry

Campbell Brown, Senior ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Most Courteous ... "hottie" ... What ever happened with Richard Branson that night when he stole your shoe?

David Hershkovits and Kim Hastreiter, Seniors. Most School Spirit ... Wittiest Couple ... nurturers of the bohemian flame ... next move: VH1 or E! Network show

Michael Musto, Senior ... Class Favorite ... a good man: Gryffindor all the way ... Wittiest ... bohemian ... the downtown scoop

Charlie Rose, Senior ... Has amiably carried the Dick Cavett mantle in his stately bill ... Most Courteous ... "Lawrd almighteh, when will Wallace retire so that I can take his spot!" ... Could have been a fine Democrat Senator from NC -- he has the name recognition and the looks -- but, ultimately, that doesn't pay as much as CBS and Bloomberg

Jon Stewart, Senior ... Class Clown ... Gryfindor all the way ... a good man who made us laugh after the horror of 9-11 ... national treasure

Dan Rather, Senior ... Eerie serial killer-like stare (and, no, not the CBS one-eye)... Psychology Club ... Young Democrats ... signs off school Ham Radio program, "what's the frequency" ... Confused ... very strang; retire Dan, retire

Bill Mahar, Senior ... once class clown ... now more mature, tried by a bitchlap by the Mouse network ... chastened, now evenhanded in his insults to both right and left ... hugely talented but routinely overlooked ...

Wolf Blitzer, Senior ... The Wolf ... A-Woo! ... "Turn up that Memphis Bleek, Wolf" ... "Stop bogarting the last beer, Wolf" ... hungry like the Wolf ... busted smuggling beer into the rooms during Senior Ski Trip ... that crazy guy ... "Road trip, Wolfmeister! I got shotgun!" ... Best Personality ... he's not a bird, he's Wolf

Brian Lamb, Senior ... Serious Thinker ... Most School Spirit ... Martin Van Buren Society, founder and sole member ... "Pat Buchanan and Steven Brill stole my lunch money!" ... perhaps the only man to own a collectirs DVD set of everything dome by Ken Burns ... genuinely and passionately in geek love with all things American ... Hufflepuffish ... Hes not a Lamb, he's a dove.

Lloyd Grove, Transfer Student from DC. Started out slow, but is getting better ... the most Washington-Politics-based NY Gossip column ever ... We like Lloyd.

Toby Young, expelled ... flew back to Britain ... punk ass

Pat O'Brien, Senior ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... "Demi, what do you think of me as Governor of South Dakota?" ... "Everyone, look at me!" ... "Look at meeee"

Howard Kurtz, Senior ... editor, school paper ... protective of the institution of journalism ... Gryffindoresque ... got a little wrapped up in the K Street celebrity politics thing, but came around in time ... when will we see a Reliable Sources on the Graydon mess?

David Chase, Senior ... fuggedaboudit! ... ear for dialogue ... Why'd you kill Adriana?

Bruce Wasserman, Senior ... dates New York Mag, the head cheerleader, which comes with built in social cachet ... from geek to chic

Liz Smith, Senior ... Texan ... Likes to quote intellectuals up front to distract from puffy column: but we like puffy gossip, Liz ... good natured; Illuminati ... secretly controls New York

Geraldo Rivera, Senior ... shiny .. kisses and tells: in print! ... the ladies bathroom wall has detailed warnings of this man's antics: Bette Midler? Kisses fingers when he signs off his Fox News show ... running gag at the Washington's Correspondents Dinner, but doesn't get the joke ... ex-lawyer turned journo: that explains everything (Think Brill)

Tina Brown, Senior ... Topic A: Party Girl ... Gabba, Gabba, Hey ... Secretly dating Mr. Evans, the American History Teacher ... Gossip! ... "Where's Barry Diller?" ...Wild about Harry ... "Barry?"

Graydon Carter, Senior ... Leader of the Snobby Conde Nast Clique ... Too Cool For School ... Full of the Most Smiles ... Young Democrats ... Winston Lights ... That's so First Room, Toby ... Bloomberg Sucks ... architectonic hair Vanitas Vanitatum

Michael Barone, Senior ... Mathematics Club ... AV Club ... "Calvin Coolige Society ... "Pat Buchanan and Steve Brill stole my lunch money!" ... ... has bandy legs

Laura Zalaznick, Senior ... Most Intellectual Girl ... Art Club ... "Did you see that documentary last night on PBS?" ... National Honor Society ... The revolution will not be televised because we are the tv revolution

George Stephanopouos and Ali Wentworth, Seniors ... Golden Boy and Girl ... Twice a day? Really? ... A power coupling that has actually halved their cachet ... still the couple we love to discuss ... decidely not Christiane and Jamie

Tim Russert, Senior ... Gryffindor ... In a state of grace ... Saint Tim ... St Theresa of Avila Rosary Society ...
So, you really confronted Farrakhan about the spaceship and Yakub, the black scientist who Muslims belive created the white man? ... very cool ... Dean of Washington Press Corps

Chris Matthews, Senior ... The Ego has landed ... The Assistant Dean of Washington DC ... Conservative Democrats ... understands Americana backwards and forewards ... even handed, albeit quite enamoured of himself.

Laurie Duhe, Senior ... "Those pouty lips, those legs, those come hither eyes!"

Howard Stern, Junior ... King of the Geeks ... Drilled a hole in the Sumner Redstone Gym to peek at girls showering ... hides pornography in Student Lounge ... Move over Barbara Walters ... most likely to get slapped in the face during his first ABC interview with Angelina Jolie

Peter Jennings, Junior ... O, Canada! ... Young Democrats

Rush and Molloy, Juniors ... Cutest Couple ... Star reporters of The Daily News: most popular.

Diane Sawyer, Senior ... Next in line now that Barbara is gone ... Nice score on the Dean interview ... stately journalist ... America's Junior Miss in 1962 ... Deep Throat?

Jon Favreau, Junior ... Allegedly a "director"... Sell Out ... Not especially talented or even creative ... likes to pretend he is a vapid cigar smoking Hollywood exec even as he hosts show on IFC; Independent cinema is so over.

Dennis Miller, Junior ... Let's get this straight: Acting? Not an option ... HBO entertainment show? Nada ... Hair? Nope ... Republican Party Reptile? Priceless ... let's take a wait and see attitude re: his little "show"

Cramer and Ludlow, Juniors ... Hufflepuff ... Hardest Working Man in the Media (Cramer) ... Ludlow "more tax cuts" his hair ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite ... it isn't quite right

Martha Stewart, Junior ... Headed for detention ... and that's a good thing.

Joel Klein, Junior ... No Longer Anonymous ... Once objective journo, now card carrying member of the Washington Establishment ... Kerry booster ... once respectable and objective

Caroline Miller, Junior ... aggressive NY Times interview with boxing gloves as prop ... watch the pageboy haircut, she'll slap you silly

Roger Friedman, Junior ... Quixotic feud with NY Times ...

Neil Strauss, Junior ... Foremer Times Style writer who uses geek techniques to trick girls into dating him ... Slytherin ..."I had provoked a negative reaction, but now at least we had a relationship. I just had to turn her anger around to make it a good relationship" ... fucking creepy

Victoria Gotti, Sophomore ... Welcome to the wonderful world of publishing, fuggedaboutit!

Mary Kate and Ashley, Freshmen

Steve Cojocaru, Freshman

Keep in Touch: Judith Regan ... Bryant Gumbell ...